Fear of the Unknown

When Jay and I were going through our issues, there were dozens of times that I thought about leaving...even packed my bag (or had him pack his). But, it never lasted more than a day because I was terrified of what the next step would be. We were going through some things, we were arguing a lot, but in my heart I knew I loved my husband and I liked my life. My kids were happy. I was happy being a stay-at-home mom. If I left, I would have to go back to work. My degree is not in something that I care to go back to doing full-time so that was not a pleasurable thought. My kids are currently homeschooled so that would mean putting them back in public school, also not a pleasant idea. I felt the grass would most likely be brown on the other side. So, in the end, I stayed. Looking back, I'm glad that I did. As you know, it turned out that Jay was not totally responsible for his actions. It hasn't been an easy road since his diagnosis, but it is getting a lot better. So, much better that when I told him about Charles's wife knowing about me, he just said, "Okay. Is this going to be an issue?" After I answered no, that was it.

From the first paragraph, you may assume that this blog entry is about me...it's not. It's about Charles. Since his wife was unable to reach me by phone yesterday, she resorted to texting me. I won't get into what her texts said, but basically she wanted me to provide an "explanation". I simply replied and told her that whatever issues they have are between them and there is nothing that she and I need to discuss. She eventually got the message (I think) and after about 3 or 4 text, she gave up. Later when I talked to Charles, I asked him where he stayed last night. He had packed a bag before leaving home yesterday and was supposed to be staying at a hotel. Well, apparently, his wife called last night and said that her car was acting up, her cell phone was dead (probably from trying to call me all day) and she wasn't sure if she was going to make it home. So, he met her and followed her home. Because it was so late, he stayed. Can you say ploy?

Anyway, today, he said the same thing...he wasn't going back home. I didn't believe him. I didn't tell him that, but what I did tell him was that I think he doesn't want to leave. He admitted that doesn't want to leave his kids. But, I told him that I think it's deeper than that. I think that he has a fear of the unknown. As awful as it may be, he knows what his life will be like from day to day at home, but he has no idea what it would be like if he left. I completely understand that feeling. Unfortunately, that means that he will probably stay in a situation that makes him unhappy. Last week, when we were lying in bed, he asked me what he could give me. I told him that I didn't want him to give me anything. I wanted him to do something for me...I want him to be happy. I meant that.

Whether Charles stays or leaves, I want him to be happy. The one thing I do know is if he stays, our relationship has no choice but to change. Before, we were talking and texing daily. We saw each other, but his wife didn't know. Now, we would be trying to see each other/talk to each other/text each other knowing that his wife knows about our relationship and does not want it to continue. We would still have to hide and sneak like before (hopefully better), but it would be so much harder. She will constantly be snooping, looking for signs of his infidelity. That's no way to live. I love Charles, but I could not knowingly put him in that type of position. As painful as it would be, I would have to let him go.