Still Crying

I've been crying since since Friday when I had my very short phone conversation with Charles. I'm just devastated. I only had sex with Melanie in the hopes that it would lead to her having a threesome with me and Charles. He doesn't believe that, but it's true. I'm not attracted to her like that so Friday was all about finding out how far and how willingly she would go. If I had even an inkling that Charles would have a problem with it, I never would have even gone out with her. I should have just stayed home that night and waited in hope that Charles could get free and see me.

I'm just so miserable. I don't feel like doing anything. I even had a brief second where I thought about slitting my wrist. I know y'all don't know me like that, but don't worry...I don't do pain. It's just that the thought has occurred to me that I will never again be that happy...not even with Jay. I know that sounds bad, but Jay and I are just different (and that's a different post for a different day). Right now, I just want Charles back.

Confusion

I know I said I was taking a break, but I've done some thinking. I don't feel like I've done anything wrong where Charles is concerned. Yes, I know that I was the one who said we should go our separate ways because he wouldn't be able to see me, but that was not the reason he gave for not contacting me all week (and I guess I expected him to ask me not to leave him). He said that my weekend escapades "turned him off". Okay...but, I still don't understand why. Charles has always made a big point of being okay with my lifestyle (as evident here)and I have ALWAYS told him that if there was anything that he did not want me to do that I would be okay with that. He's never asked me not to see someone or not to do something. So, what gives? It can't just be this weekend, can it? Personally, I think it's a bunch of crock. I think that he never figured out how he was going to stay in touch and see me over the summer and he just used this weekend as an excuse. And, if that was the case, he could have just said that. I have always said that I understand that he does not have as much freedom as I do so I am willing to work with him. I just need him to tell me that he can't do something instead of telling me he'll 'find a way'.

There is a part of me that wants to call his wife up and tell her EVERYTHING. That's how hurt I am and we all know there is nothing like a woman scorned. I'm trying really hard to fight the urge. Hopefully, I can hold off. There really is nothing good that can come of it other than some slight satisfaction in being vengeful. I just hurt so bad...

On a different note (slightly), Jay has noticed how moody I've been yesterday and today. He left Charles a message yesterday about them meeting. When I found out, I told him that Charles had no interest in seeing me anymore so not to worry about. He finally asked what was going on. When I told him that Charles was upset about the weekend, he couldn't believe it. He felt like if anyone should have been upset, it was him. Charles is not romantically involved with Melanie. Her joining us was just a hope that we shared. Plus, like I said above, he has never had an issue with anything or anyone that I do. So, once again...it just doesn't make sense.

Hopefully, Charles will contact me and I can get some kind of resolution. I doubt if he will though. I get a feeling that this relationship will always be left with no closure (again, another first for me courtesy of Charles).

*sigh*

Goodbye

I've decided to take a break from my blog. Not sure when I'll be back. Just talked to Charles...hadn't heard from him in over a week so I finally broke down and called. What can I say? I love him. Basically, he said that my escapade last weekend kinda turned him off. I have an issue with that, but I won't get into that. He went on to say that he had read my blog and I had pretty much said everything anyway...if I can't see him or reach him, what's the point? And, yes...that's what I said (I also said we could be FWBs, fuck buddies, just friends whatever so it's not like I was just through with him totally). But, he was just so cold and nonchalant on the phone. It's like he never even cared about me. I've been sitting at home crying over him and he has just gone on with his life like I never existed. I feel so stupid!

Oh, the Possibilities

Last night, Jay and I were heading home from an event at the zoo and we stopped by Melanie's house so they could meet. Jay was a little upset that Reginald got to "meet" Melanie first. Oh well...I can't go backwards. Anyway, we didn't stay long...maybe 15 minutes or so. We sat outside and talked. Today, I got a text from Melanie saying that Jay is nice and maybe we could play sometime. Uh...yeah! We can play whenever she wants! Of course, I tried to contain my enthusiasm so I wouldn't seen too excited...lol. I'm kinda pissed that Charles is not acting right. He could play too. Oh well....

Letting go

I was talking to Melanie about Charles yesterday. I told her that I was through. I sent him an email earlier in the week telling him that I only expected one thing from him...to hear from him EVERY day, even if it's just a hello. He assured me that I was not asking for much and that he could handle that. Later in the week, he told me that his in-laws would be in town and that he would be able to get out over the weekend. I told him that I would be out Friday and Saturday. Based our past, I was not about to make any plans with him. So, I just told him to text or call if he was out and maybe we could hook up. Melanie has been asking every day since Friday if I've heard from him. No, I have not. It hit me yesterday that even if I just made him a fuck buddy or FWB, I wouldn't be able to get in touch with him when I needed some dick. Really, what's the use in trying to maintain this relationship? I don't see one, so I'm finished trying. If he calls and wants to hang out or have sex or whatever, I will if I'm not already busy. But, I'm through trying to be his girlfriend.

2+1 = FUN!

Friday night while at dinner with some friends, I got a text from Reginald asking if I was free. Before I could answer him, I got a text from Melanie asking if I was still out. Long story short, I left dinner and went to Reginald's. He redeemed himself somewhat. It still wasn't as rough as I wanted but he was more aggressive than last time so that was good. We started with a blow job, fucked, and ended with me swallowing. I told him I had to go because I was supposed to be meeting Melanie. But, as I was about to leave, he decided that he wasn't finished so we had a quickie by the front door. He asked me to come back after I left Melanie's. I told him I'd see...no promises. I left his house and drove to Melanie's. She was sitting outside on her front porch and had a drink waiting on me when I got there (gotta love that girl). We hung out and talked for a little while then went to a club to meet a friend of hers that was in town. We had a drink and hung out for about an hour. She was debating on whether or not to follow her friend downtown. I suggested that we go by Reginald's instead. She had been hinting at us having sex all night. If we went back to her house, we'd have to be quiet because of her daughter. Reginald's house is less than 5 minutes from the club, so we went there. He fixed us some drinks. We talked for about 5 minutes before I started sucking his dick. Melanie wanted to smoke so we moved outside to his deck. I started sucking his dick again, then Melanie came up behind me and started kissing my neck and rubbing on my legs. I turned around and laid her on her back and started eating her pussy. Reginald told me to go sit on her face, so I did and he started fucking her. So, we're fucking and sucking and then Melanie decides to excuse herself because she wanted to watch us. So, Reginald and I finished up. We all got dressed and Melanie and I drove back to her house to get my car.

Side note to Charles...Before anything happened, Melanie made it perfectly clear that if she ate my pussy, I could not tell you. So, if you're reading (and I know you are), KEEP IT TO YOURSELF!!! I'm sure you know why.

Jay's Efforts

For the longest, Jay had no interest in meeting anyone I was involved with. of course, my wish has always been that we both at least meet the other people in our lives. Well, the other day he asked for Charles's number. Realizing that I am in love with him has prompted him to decide to call and try to get to know him/understand our relationship. This is a HUGE step for him. So far, he says that he has tried to call twice, but Charles hasn't answered. One problem may be that they have opposite schedules...when Charles is working, Jay's home and vice versa. Hopefully, they will be able to talk soon. I can't want to find out what they talked about.

On another note...I've been thinking a lot lately about how I got to where I am. How did I end up in love with Charles? I have rules and I broke them. It was never my intention to do so. It just kinda happened. I was driving in the car the other day and Beyonce's song, Halo, came on and I had an OMG moment...that is exactly how I feel. I love my Baby, Charles! "Every rule I had you're breaking"

Yes, I Really Did Cry

I was having my usual daily IM with Charles and decided, maybe foolishly (we'll have to wait and see) to open up my heart and let him take a peek inside. Here's an excerpt from our conversation.

Sunshine: I have a secret to tell you...come close.
Charles: what is it?
Sunshine: You're going to marry me...even if it's unofficially. So, maybe I should actually say you are going to make a commitment to be with me.
Sunshine: DAMN!!! Scared him away!
Charles: I want to marry you...did you know that?
Sunshine: really?
Charles: look who stopped whispering...
Charles: yes, I do
Charles: what do you think?
Sunshine: I had already changed my font back...lol
Sunshine: I'm shocked. Why do you want to?
Sunshine: I was serious about what I said, but I was kinda thinking you had to get to that point...maybe in a couple of years.
Charles: I can see myself being happy with you
Sunshine: but what makes you think you'd be happy?
Charles: I know you're lifestyle and I think about the things that Jay is not comfortable with
Charles: those are the things that turn me on
Charles: I know what makes you happy and I just know you're getting what makes you happy...in turn satisfies me
Charles: I murdered that sentence
Charles: never mind
Sunshine: lol
Charles: kids are pulling on me as I'm typing
Charles: you know what I'm trying to say!!!!!!!!!!!
Sunshine: I think I understood.
Charles: LMAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Charles: that's funny
Sunshine: ok, be back...I gotta go cry. You make me all sappy and crap...ugh!
Sunshine: doesn't help Lenny Williams* is playing right now.
Charles: I love you Baby...
Charles: I want you...
Charles: I need you...
Charles: marry me one day...
Charles: I'll be back in a little while Baby...think about it...
Charles has signed out. (5/14/2009 2:56 PM)


*

I'm Not Telling

I know I promised to come back with details from Saturday night, but I've decided to keep this one to myself. I'm not sure why, but it felt special and I want to hold on to it just a little while longer. So, for now, you'll have to live with the highlights.

I did see Charles. I got a text from Melanie when I was on my way over there. She said that she was coming, but then changed her mind. Oh well...maybe one day. As for my time with Charles, it was wonderful. There was sex and cuddling and talking and more sex and sleeping and more sex and then he threw me out and sent me back home. (He didn't really throw me out, but I know he's reading and he'll get the joke.)

TMI Tuesday

1. Which traits from your parents do you see in yourself?
From my mom, I can get along with just about anyone regardless of the background, race, socio-economic level, etc. I think I have my dad's temper, but I've been working on that and it's gotten better.

2. Which traits from you/your partner do you see in your children (if you don't have kids, which would you like to see)?
Physically, all of my kids look like me. They are all inquisitive and have a thirst for knowledge. As for the not-so-good character traits, they sometimes have smart mouths and can be impatient.

3. How did you get the birds-and-bees talk?
I never got that talk. My grandmother tried to have it with me when I was around 12. It was too late by then. I told her I already knew, so she asked me to tell her what it was I thought I knew. So, I did. That was the end of the talk.

4. What was your favorite childhood book?
Peter's Chair by Ezra Jack Keats and The Pokey Little Puppy

5. What is your favorite piece of erotic literature?
The Claiming of Sleeping Beauty by A. N. Roquelaure (Anne Rice)

Bonus: What is the one thing you wish you could go back and tell yourself as a child?
Explore different professional options, girl!!!

Double Bonus: If your life were a book or movie, what would the title be?
Just Me, Drama-free

While the Cats Away

Charles's wife left town this morning. She's going to visit her mom for Mother's Day. So, I'll be hanging out with him tonight. I tried to convince him to ask his friend, Melanie, to join us. I doubt if that happens, but I think it could get real interesting if it did.

Of course, I will be back with details as soon as possible.

HNT - The Eyes Have It

Since I showed off Charles and my Sir's eyes, I thought I'd keep up the trend and post Jay's eyes today. I live the way they look when he's sad. It's when he's most vulnerable and it feels like I can just see all the way into the depths of his soul. Happy HNT everyone!!

TMI Tuesday

1. Have you ever bought a membership to a porn site? If yes, what is the most recent one and did you like it?
Yes...Hentai Movie Planet...If you're into hentai it's worth it.

2. Would you rather watch a erotic/porn movie, read a story, or listen to an audio? Why?
Read a story...the mental picture I get in my head turns me on more than anything else.

3. If you have a significant other what do you do for each other to get in the mood? If you don't what would you kind of thing could a future potential long term partner do to get you in the mood?
I'm real flirty so I'll flirt with him or rub up against him to try to get a rise (pun intended). He has a few tricks to get me hot, but I won't post those. They're just between us.

4. When it comes to sex, how much do you talk about it with others? How comfortable are you talking about sex?
Well, I talk about it here all the time, so I'd say A LOT. I'm pretty comfortable talking about sex.

5. What are the last 5 things you search for on Google (or another search engine)?
moorhens (for a kid), voles (again, for a kid), snoring, spider bite, Chrisette Michele

Bonus: Have you ever had a fantasy that you were ashamed of?
Nope.

After the Sex

After I visited Reginald the other day, I called my Sir. He asked my to put what occurred on that call into words and email it to him, which I did. Here's the email...


I haven't yet, but I will eventually put this in my blog. I know it's short, but I swear it's all just a daze (in a good way). I remember you saying something about me being "so willing"...what was that again? Beyond that, I have no clue. I kinda get caught up in the fact that I'm hearing your voice that the conversations end up a blur. (stop laughing at me)

I pulled into the parking lot and parked. I unbuttoned my jeans, laid back my seat, and slid my hand inside. My Sir was on the phone and he wanted to hear me cum.

"Rub that pussy," he said. "I hear about everything you do for everyone else, it's time you did something for me."

And, so I did. Sitting in the front seat of my SUV, I rubbed my clit and fingered my pussy all for my Sir's enjoyment. I imagined him there next to me, leading me into ecstasy. I could hear his voice in my ear guiding me, but I couldn't concentrate in his words. Occasionally between my moans and screams, I would hear him say, "cum for your Sir" and I did...over and over and over. Each time I came, he would say, "Don't stop. I didn't tell you you were through. Keep cumming. I want you to feel what it's like to cum for your Sir." I can't begin to say how many times I came. The orgasms came back to back again and again with mounting intensity until I could take it no more and finally I had to stop. I pulled my hand from inside my soaked panties, but the waves kept coming. Finally, they subsided and I buttoned my jeans.

"If you were here...," he said.

If I were there...

Thank you for my afternoon, Sir. I can't wait for the next time.

Drunk Sex

I'm really not in a writing mood today. I'm kinda bummed out. I went out for dinner and drinks with my cousin last night. Charles was supposed to meet us. I had spoken to him earlier in the day and he assured me that he would see me. I'm sure you already know where this is going. Yep, he was a no-show. I sent him a text a little after midnight. It said...It's been nice. Hit me up when you get your shit together. Now, that doesn't mean that I'll never see Charles again. I'll be here for him as a friend. We may even be fuck buddies one day, but I will no longer go out of my way to fit him into my life.

On a different note, I apparently had really great sex last night. I just wish I could remember it. I have never gotten so drink that I do not remember what happened...until last night. When I got home last night, Jay was on the computer. I climbed into his lap, laid my head on his shoulder and told him that I love him. He returned the sentiment. I remember nothing after that until approximately and hour and a half later (according to Jay). I was in my bed lying on my back with my head was towards the bottom of the bed and my feet on my pillows. The part of the covers that was under my shoulders was soaking wet (I had apparently cum A LOT prior to this.), so I shifted my position slightly. My hand was on my pussy and I was fiercely rubbing my clit. I also remember Jay turning me so that I was lying across the bed. With his head between my legs and my fingers playing, I came hard...and very loudly (as evidenced by Jay's need to cover my mouth so I wouldn't wake the kids). I have no idea what happened after that. I woke up around 10am. I scooched over in bed and cuddled up under Jay in that playful way that I do when I want some loving. He giggled and asked if I was still horny. I shook my head. You know we were going at it for hours, right? Uh, no. I then explained that I had very little memory of our time together. He laughed and supplied the details along with the assurance that he took a few photos.

Later in the day, Jay made this comment...It's good Charles didn't meet you last night. Then, he would have had all the fun instead of me. I t had to agree. It was definitely Charles's loss and Jay's gain and I have no complaints about that.