Still Crying

I've been crying since since Friday when I had my very short phone conversation with Charles. I'm just devastated. I only had sex with Melanie in the hopes that it would lead to her having a threesome with me and Charles. He doesn't believe that, but it's true. I'm not attracted to her like that so Friday was all about finding out how far and how willingly she would go. If I had even an inkling that Charles would have a problem with it, I never would have even gone out with her. I should have just stayed home that night and waited in hope that Charles could get free and see me.

I'm just so miserable. I don't feel like doing anything. I even had a brief second where I thought about slitting my wrist. I know y'all don't know me like that, but don't worry...I don't do pain. It's just that the thought has occurred to me that I will never again be that happy...not even with Jay. I know that sounds bad, but Jay and I are just different (and that's a different post for a different day). Right now, I just want Charles back.