Open For Business...Think Again

I mentioned when I got back online that Jay had decided to give having an open marriage a try. I have come to learn that this was only a half-hearted try. He still has way too many issue with an open marriage for this to work. For some reason, despite my assurance to the contrary, he has it in his head that I NEED to start a new LIFE with others. I don't want a life with anyone else. I look at my adventures outside the marriage the same as I would a new hobby. If a friend wants to see me and it doesn't interfere with anything that Jay and I or the kids and I have planned, and I'm in the mood, then I'll go. My friends are not here to take the place of him or our life. They are here to enhance our lives. When I'm in the mood to be man-handled (which Jay doesn't really like to do), Reginald provides that release. I come home calm and relaxed because I have gotten out all of that aggression. When I just need to talk about Reginald or the new girl I met, I can text or call PD. Jay doesn't want any info on the other people in my life, so I can't come home and talk to him. PD is also good for mind-blowing cunnilingus (something Jay does, but PD does better). When I want the softness of a woman...well, I don't have a woman in my life right now, but obviously Jay can't give me that.

On the other hand, when I want to share my innermost feelings, when I want to make love and cuddle after, when I want to just sit and enjoy the meaningful silence and the closeness it brings, I turn to Jay. He is my world. I love him with all my heart. I can't imagine living my life with anyone else.

The funny thing is, since Jay gave the okay, I have only had sex once. I haven't even been in the same room with anyone else. I did way more before he gave the okay. Granted, I was sick during part of this time, but still. I have been trying to be very conscious of his feelings and not just run wild. I wanted him top feel secure in his decision. Obviously, that has backfired on me.

I've even tried to explain my feelings by relating it to his feelings when he had sex with other women in the past. (We have even had a FMF polyamorous relationship with him as the hinge in our V.) He response was that he now sees how that was wrong too. WTF?!? We have been open, at least on his end (and me with women), since we were dating. Now, because I have an interest in have a male FWB, it's suddenly wrong and takes away from our marriage.

So, now I face a dilemma. Do I continue with the open marriage knowing that Jay is not dealing well with the idea? Do I tell him that I've decided to just let the idea go? And, if so, do I truly let it go or do I cheat?

Sunshine has a lot of thinking to do.